I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself.

I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn."

After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae."

When word got out what an 18-year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained Harvard's football team to four consecutive national championships, and won the Heisman Trophy. But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back
home with the Navy Cross and the Croix de Guerre.

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man. I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington."

I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business - building the World Trade Center, founding the United Nations, doing the clinical research that found the cure for cancer, and writing Shakespeare's plays. Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the US House of Representatives and Senate. And one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no personal reason at all, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. Many times Bill Clinton has pondered some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariably say, "Of course. That's brilliant. why didn't I think of that?" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told
him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

So, after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton game me a few simple words of advice - words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said "Al, just tell the truth. It always worked for me."

A lady approaches her priest & tells him, �Father, I have a problem. I have

two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.�

�Well, what do they say?� the priest inquired.

�They only know how to say, Hi, we�re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?�

�That�s terrible!� the priest exclaimed, �but I have a solution to your

problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house & I will put them

with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray & read the bible. My

parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase & your

female parrots will learn to praise and worship.�

�Thank you!� the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female

parrots to the priest�s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads

& praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the

male parrots & the female parrots say, �Hi, we�re prostitutes, want to have

some fun?�

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, �Put the

beads away, our prayers have been answered!�

An old couple is driving to Pennsylvania from their winter home in Florida,

when a trooper pulls them over. The cop asks the old man if he knows how

fast he was going, and immediately his wife, who is hard of hearing, taps

him on the shoulder and asks, �What did he say?�

So the old man turns and tells her that the cop asked him how fast he was

going. The cop then tells the man that he�s going to give them a warning,

and with that the old woman taps her husband and asks what the cop said

again.

Next, the cop asked the old man where they were headed, so the old man

explained that they were going home to Pennsylvania. To that the cop replied

and said, �I�ve been to Pennsylvania, but I have to tell ya, the worst sex I

ever had was in Pennsylvania.�

One more time the old man�s wife taps him and asks what the cop said, so the

old man turned to her and said �He thinks he knows you�.

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However,

every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front

door and yells, �You need more tail.�

The father turns to his son and says, �Son, I�ll never understand your

mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly

a kite!

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a

$100 bet on the side. �But,� said the duffer, �since you�re obviously much

better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two �gotchas�.� The

golf pro didn�t know what a �gotcha� was, but he went along with it. And off

they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to

see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. �What happened?� asked one of the

members.

�Well,� said the pro, �I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought

the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my

balls while yelling �Gotcha!� Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf

waiting for the second �gotcha�?�

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The

plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers panic,

certain that the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At

the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, �I can�t take

this anymore! I can�t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped to a

chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there

anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?�

A hand goes up in the back of the plane, and a handsome, tall, muscular man

smiles while walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his

shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He

stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, �I can make you feel

like a woman before you die. Are you interested?�

She eagerly nods her head �Yes!�

The man hands her his shirt, and says, �Here. Iron this.�

A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the

delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" He asked.

"Yes, I am", the doctor replied.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him real hard on the forehead with

his index finger repeatedly saying, "Hurts doesn't it?"

�What's the problem, officer?�

�You just ran that stop sign back there.�

�Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me.�

�Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.�

�You gotta be kidding me!�

�It�s no joke, sir.�

�Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.�

�That�s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn�t. Now if I may see your license and registration please.�

�You�ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What�s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?�

�Sir, I�ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.�

�I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.�

The policeman had enough. �Sir, I can do better than that.�

He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. �Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?�

Two nuns are driving down the highway, when, out of nowhere, a Vampire lands

on the front hood of their car and is facing them through the windshield.

The two nuns begin to panic when one nun yells to the other, �Do something!

Show it your cross!�

The nun in the passenger seat agrees, leans out the window in rage and

yells, �Get the fuck off the windshield!�